"If You're Reading This, 9/11 Wasn't So Bad Now, Was It?"

I can't resist linking to the campaign slogans on Wonkette.

Another one I am treasuring: Vote Bush: It's Not Like He's Hilter"

I always wondered what the crowd would do if this happened to some poor guy who had absolutely no idea what went on inside his beloved's head.

Another quote I got a kick out of:
Sex and The City Ends: The Golden Era of single women in New York is over. You're back to being just sluts.


Both of these are courtesy of Tale of Two Cities

Bush and Blair Express Their Feelings

with a little help from Lionel Richie.

This is a good one - too bad you'll have to listen to that insipid song one more time to get a laugh.

Welcome to Hangover-Free Friday

See? I knew that I didn't have a drinking problem! It's just that I get so nervous when I see some ad for 20/20 about "binge drinking" being more than five drinks in as many hours. To me, this is called a "night out".

I am loving D-Nasty's blogging about Guy-Whatshisname in Haiti today . Dude, after all this is over, you still live in Haiti and no matter how well things go for you in the next few days, at some point in your life you will have the urge to put yourself into a dingy and row your sorry ass to Florida.

Oh, please. Not again...

Just got word that my friend is coming in from NYC and, if her plans for tonight fall through, she is calling me to go out. I am certain that alcohol will be a part of this scene, if in fact it takes place.

Our M.O. is to go out and drink until we meet other (previously not very interesting) bar patrons and talk their ears off. At some point, I'll hit the ladies room and be confronted with a stranger in the mirror: bloated, shiny and bleary-eyed. Oh man, not tonight. Just when I was thinking about giving up drinking for Lent...

Unanticipated Benefits of Being Completely Single

Now that I am formally not dating anyone, I realize how much time I have during the workday to do other things. Not checking my Yahoo account every 20 minutes for an email from him and then, upon finding one, taking the time to craft a witty and engaging response and making and taking phone calls, to and from him, has really freed me up for other activities.

For example, I have been finishing projects at lightening-speed, making follow-up calls, doing legal research I am forever putting off for, “when I have some free time” and training my admin to do some more paralegal-type work which she has been eager to do. This benefits my employer greatly.

I am also enriched by all of this “down time”. All of my bills are being promptly paid (via on-line banking), I have found and booked cheap hotels for my upcoming trip to London and Paris (four weeks and counting), and I started doing my taxes. As great as all of this has been for me and society in general, I really miss checking my e-mail incessantly and, well, you know what I mean.

It is almost enough to make me consider on-line dating again. Almost….

Towns Without Smoking Bans Aren't Doing Me Any Favors

Personally, I long for the day when smoking is banned from every neighboring municipality within a 20 mile radius of Boston. God knows I can't refrain from smoking without the government making it illegal to light up a cancer stick while enjoying a sour apple martini at a bar. Especially after two sour apple martinis.

Last night a friend and I checked out a French restaurant to celebrate Mardi Gras (Lumiere in West Newton-excellent!) and then hit one of the two bars in Newton that still allows smoking. This was no accident. We checked it out in advance, drove way out of our way to get there and tolerated dirty glasses and the leering stares of some townies just so that we could light up and get soused.

Well, mission accomplished. I wouldn't call this a bad hangover; sort of a 3 on the Richter scale of hangovers. For the Love of God, Legislature! Drop the Gay Marriage thing and concentrate all of your efforts on making my health-related decisions for me. Oh, and also make it illegal to buy something trendy without trying it on just because it is marked down 70% from $195. I can't stop doing that either.

Michael Festa to Marry Tom Finneran? Congrats!

This is the surest way to get Gay Marriage out of the headlines and into each and every Massachusetts citizen's home - where it belongs.

From The Onion.

Calpundit just hits this nail on the head when he explains why he doesn't like George Bush. I'd like to add that his insulting my intelligence by engaging in revisionist history (we are now calling it the "Clinton Recession"? Whaaa?) and attempts to bring Jesus into American politics really gets me hot - and not in a good way.


From Calpundit
February 22, 2004

HOW DID HE DO IT?....Why do I dislike George Bush? Because of his policies, obviously, and also because of temperament and personality characteristics that rub me the wrong way. But there's more. Whenever I think about this, one of the things that always settles into my mind is that he just doesn't deserve to be president. He never paid his dues.

It's not just that he got the job based partly on his family name. You could say the same thing about FDR, JFK, Bush Sr, and Al Gore, and it doesn't especially bother me about any of them. It's more that I just can't figure out how he managed to become a consensus party choice for president after a mere single term as governor of Texas.

Compare this to every other president since FDR. Here are the number of years of political experience each one had before he became president: 22, 23, 0, 14, 26, 18, 26, 14, 14, 22, 16.

With the specialized exception of Eisenhower, every single other president has had at least 14 years between first winning political office and becoming president. George Bush had six.

I just don't get it. Sure, he's a Bush, but even so how did he manage to convince the vast majority of the Republican party apparatus that he should be their favored candidate? After all, he had minimal experience, he obviously didn't have any special intellectual or personality characteristics that make you sit up and take notice, and his father wasn't even that popular with most Republicans after his dismal loss in 1992.

So how did he do it? It remains, to me, the most mysterious of questions.

Random Acts of Anarchy

I am linking David Goodhart's essay on Diversity and the Welfare state not because I am for or against it, but because the US media has unilaterally decided not to publish the essay or the cover controversy (even thought these same media outlets are reporting on it in Europe).
One CNN representative said that the issue is too "explosive" for Americans. Let us make that decision for ourselves, OK? We are big reeders and riters, too!

RIP, Spot, RIP

I feel so badly about this. Poor Spot! He certainly seemed to lead a good life even if he did have to share it with GW. I love that he has a "bio" section - so whimsical and un-republican...

Shampaign Moments

It is really hard to pick a favorite here but I am leaning towards, "One for the Road". John Kerry robbing a bank is shocking considering his wife's net worth in $600 mil but it lacks the comedic edge of Bush and a huge lager.

Weekend in Review

Another amazing weekend which included sitting next to a Landmark (the self-help cult for those of you who aren’t up on the latest give-us-money-and-we’ll-make-you-feel-better-about-yourself trend) aficionado on the Chinese bus who articulated the finer points of saving one’s soul; dinner and pomegranate margarita’s at Rosa Mexicana, vodka-induced dancing at Royale in Brooklyn (note to self: no one gets lucky when one’s face is shiny and sweaty); one raging hangover; a John Kerry rally at Le Zinc (sans the candidate but his wife was supposed to be there and was a no-show); and one memorable quote from a Frenchman at Odeon who, when I said that I liked his little beagle (sitting calmly under his barstool): “You like dog? I am dog, too.” Truer words never spoken, I am sure.

And I have to give props to Joe Kelly at Murphy’s on 52nd who, although he swears he never overserves patrons or gives a away free drinks, is my absolute favorite bartender in the city so you do the math.

For the Love of God - Get me out of here!

I cannot fucking wait to get on that Chinese bus tomorrow and hit the Big Apple; even if I am only going to be there for 30 hours before I have to come home and sober up in order to get up bright and early to get back to this hellhole of a windowless office.
And for all of you who are now worried that it isn't safe to take the bus: $20 round trip as opposed to $156 round trip on Amtrak. One hundred and thirty six smackers more to spend on booze, tapas, Advil and Gatorade (in that order). Think about it...

I Could Not Have Said it Better Myself

Thank you Girl for turning me on to this site. I only believe my horoscope when it says exactly what I need/want to hear. A propos yesterday’s post, this one hits the nail on the head.


Leo Horoscope for week of February 19, 2004


Our subject this week, class, is the aphorism, "If at first you don't succeed, redefine the meaning of success." Your assignment is to make practical use of this principle. Judging from the current astrological omens, I think the best place to apply it might be in your love life. If you agree, here's a suggestion about how to proceed. First, figure out what it is you've been doing wrong that has kept you from getting the exact kind of love you want. (One possibility is that your soul and your ego are craving different things and therefore working at cross-purposes.) Second, revise your definition of the exact kind of love you want, incorporating a more realistic assessment of who you are. Third, forgive yourself for having previously had an inadequate definition.

Poor Little "Match"-Less Girl

And so my friends, the end is near…

I am taking this opportunity to declare myself divorced from online dating. If my pre-online dating history is any indication of what my post-online dating scenario will be: I will have no dates. Ever. I have carefully considered both paths and I chose to be dateless. Here’s why:

Online dating has put me in unfamiliar territory. Namely, I am seeking someone out and therefore, I have given up some of the power I normally have when dating men. Put another way; having a man ask me out, without me putting myself out there to be asked takes care of any insecurities I have about whether this person is attracted to me.

That is exactly backwards when dating online. The person has not even met me. Everything is based on potential, not actual, attraction. Therefore, it is possible to talk to see one’s picture, talk to him on the phone, meet up with him, and have no chemistry whatsoever. Or worse, I am attracted to the guy but get the feeling that he has no interest in getting to know me better.

Online dating has led to a few misunderstandings as well. I had a great time with a guy who answered my online profile and thought perhaps we’d actually start seeing more of each other and maybe someday, even have a relationship. We were both lawyers, liked the same restaurants, shared passionate interests in alcohol, debauchery and Paris and lived right near each other. Three days later, he called from a bar at 10:15 and asked if he could come over. I was like, “You asshole! I didn’t even KISS you and you want to come over here and shag?” Of course, I didn’t say that, but when I turned him down he hurried off of the phone. I am sure he had a few other calls to make…

Did I give this guy the impression that I was anything less than a “good catch” by soliciting for dates online? I have no idea but in my paranoid mind, I feel as if I “cheapened” myself in some way by putting my picture on the internet so that some guy could decide whether or not he wanted to go out with me. Like some Russian Svetlana, being picked out of the pages of a book?

I am sure that many would beg to differ with my analysis of online dating but, after four months and 9 different guys, I am hanging it up. Check out D-Nasty’s post today on marriage. It just came at the perfect time for me.

“Rock and Roll Baby!”

Edwards '04 "Let's Risk It"

I love these campaign slogans on Allah's website. My own contribution would be, "Edward '04: He Might Suck But You Never Know".

The End of My Modeling Career

It is over before it even began. I answered the ad for "women with sculpted calves for 2005 calendar" and couldn't wait to surprise my family and friends with a 2005 High Heel fetish calendar with yours' truly as Ms. August.

Well, it was all for naught as the photographer sent me an e-mail saying that he got a better response to marketing a lingerie calendar (no shit! he needed to consult with a marketing group to find that out?) and would I be interested. He sent these as an example.

So what's next? I'll do these shots then he'll call to say he "got a better response for the topless calendar" and can I come back and show him the goods? Fuggetabouddit. It is a crying shame. I was going to be able to cross like, 6 people off of my Christmas list by getting the gift that keeps on giving: a $10 High Heel calendar. Maybe 2006 with be the year for me...

60% of Single Men in Boston "Whimpsters"? You Decide.

So, there is actually a term (and a quiz!) for those middle-management types of guys who, were probably pretty cool at one point but now are just a bundle of neuroses.

As an aside, the new guy from last Sunday? Not a Whimpster. Just a doll....

OK, So you cheated on your wife but....

Articles like this have got to make Bush feel like a complete loser. To top it all off, there is zero spin here.

Actually, I would be most embarrased about dating Nixon's daughter. I mean, she couldn't get a date in Washington so the President has to fly in some gad-about from Texas? Something tells me Kerry never had any trouble with the ladies. D-Nasty has listed his top ten reasons for the cheating here and I am buying into the "pompous asshole thing" theory...

The Absolute Worst the Media Has to Offer

Organ donor cards for Valentine’s Day? Give me a fucking break! “A Kidney: the Gift that keeps on giving”; Not a romantic as donating your heart but with a longer waiting list so much more significant.

Every single story on NPR today has to do with relationships, how to be good to your “partner” on Valentines Day, how to be a better communicator; basically embodying all that I hate about the self-help industry and “commercial holidays” all in one. Enough of this lame shit!

I can’t wait for Sunday so the news can go back to covering lame crap like 7 people in a country of 9 million dying from some chicken-related virus and the county’s response of killing 750,000 chickens.

Some ideas for St. Patrick’s Day columnist’s media blitz:

“Has Your Family Been Torn Apart by Alcohol Abuse?”

“Are You Concerned About Waking Up on Your Neighbors Lawn Yet Again This Year? Read This.”

“Does Getting Hammered and “Doing It” on a Pile of Coats at St. Patrick’s Day Party Count as a First Date if You Arrived Separately?”

from the Parade Goers Guide: Ten Ways to Pace Yourself to Prevent Passing Out Before Noon”

At least this is information people could actually use. Think about it.

E-Vite: A new way to expose the fact that you have no social life

Never one to let a hot trend go by, I jumped on the Evite bandwagon and used it to plan a get –together at my place. Picking out the background, format and writing the invite itself was a lot of fun. Putting together the guest list and sending out the invites was a breeze and, PRESTO, my nebulous party plans were now a reality.

One hour after sending out said invites, I logged on to see if anyone had gotten back to me yet (anxious, I know, but it was my first Evite experience) and was horrified to see that, in fact, two of my friends had responded and couldn’t make it. Basically, the “yes” column had my name in it and the “no” now contained the names of two of my dearest friends. I started to think: “What if the next five people decline and then everyone who logs on sees that no one else is going and they decline and my name, like the cheese, stands alone, out there for all to see in cyberspace?” This could really suck! Who the hell thought of this stupid-ass, let everyone see the guest list idea? If I wasn’t so friggin’ lazy, I’d have done the invites myself, the old fashioned way: mass e-mail.

Well, my fears turned out to be unfounded as the “yeses” rolled in and I am loving checking the guest list every 4 hours to see who has responded and each guest is trying to outdo the others with the snappy one-liners. So, I recommend Evite to anyone who is not afraid of public rejection the way I am.

"Hero v. Zero" I LOVE this

Why can't we have articles like this in US newspapers? Perhaps it is unpatriotic to call the Commander in Chief a "zero" whilst at war. Yeah, it probably is...

The upside is that, if Kerry becomes president, and sends Americans off to die in the name of say, a Halliburton-like entity, like Halliburton, he'll be the first to speak out against himself in front of Congress. Ha!

OK, No need to put me out of my misery

Cool guy from Sunday? Called! We are going out tomorrow night so take that doubting voices in my head!

I was beginning to think that I shouldn’t have had sex with him of the first date…KIDDING! So, if I stop eating after breakfast tomorrow, my stomach should be flat enough by 7 p.m. in case he accidentally brushes against it or something. I am probably setting the woman’s movement back 20 years by caring about this shit but, it’s called CONFIDENCE. If my body is “on time” and I never hear from him after tomorrow, it won’t be because I had a little bulge under my fitted Narcisco Rodgriguez sweater. It will probably be because I slept with him on the second date (not so much KIDDING here.).

Just Another Monday in the Big City

OK. I cannot figure out which is more painful. You decide.

1. Meeting up with a guy one met on-line, not really hitting it off and making a graceful exit after one drink; or

2. Having a great time with a true gentleman to whom one was attracted, had a few laughs with and was completely relaxed around then coming to the office the next day to check Yahoo account for e-mails from said “good catch” every ten minutes. From 8:25 a.m. to present.


Oh, and guess which of the two scenarios played out last night? Bingo.

Will I Never Learn?

Why, why, why do I insist on binge drinking, smoking and staying out until some surly (previously flirtatious) bar employee tells me that it is absolutely time to leave, NOW?

Just another Saturday morning with $4 (down from $86.00 at 9 p.m. Friday) in my wallet, no sign of the umbrella I had with me last night, and a hangover. I dragged myself to the 7-11 for Gatorade, cat food and the new issue of Lucky. I can’t handle Anna Karenina this morning. It is taking me forever to finish this book because between my insomnia and hangovers, I just can’t focus.

The night started out, as many of them do, so innocently and cheaply. Tina had an open house at her place in ice-covered Beacon Hill. I met a friend at the 21st Amendment and we walked over together. Fortunately, I had chosen safety over fashion and had on my snow boots instead of high heels. I still risked life and limb walking down that steep hill to her place as, underneath the gray slush was a sheet of ice. See? I started the night out using good judgement but it was all downhill from there (no pun intended!).

Tina had made this amazing pear-flavored herbal sangria and I was on my second glass when she enthused, “Isn’t it delicious? I hardly has any alcohol in it!.”. I switched to wine. Then it was on to Sonsie and the Blue Cat. Cabs rides ruled the night and between those indulgences and my drinking problem, I came home broke but really, really happy.

It was a great time, a lot of laughs and I can’t wait to do it all again in eleven hours. But tonight I’ll just have a few drinks and no cigarettes…seriously.

Just another example of how the UK is cooler than the US

Now, if we thought Janet Jackson's tassel-covered breast shook us to our moral cores, can you imagine what our reaction to this would be?

If the St. Katherine was moored off of Boston, you can bet that Menino would have the Coast Guard out there in a heartbeat (after calling his cronies to make sure they weren't actually on the boat) to shut down the "offensive, vile" operation.

Boston crime-fighting philosophy:
Rioting in the streets, smashing car windshields and vehicular homicide: OK. No need to get the Police commissioner involved.
Co-eds flashing their breasts to the violent masses wreaking havoc in residential neighborhoods: immediate arrest, early morning arraignments and permanent criminal records.

I feel safer already.

How can "Shag" be worse than "Twat"?

I question these rankings but am in full agreement with the front runner.

Someone is going to have to explain to me why "Jew" is right up there with "piss off". If someone called me "Jew", I would react the same as if they had labeled me a "dummy"; mildly amused at their juvenile, ignorant attempt to demean me but not offended in any way. Now, if someone told me to "piss off": Fuck them!

Boston Sports Club Disclaimer/Clarification

The previously reported Hottie:Average Joe ratio at Boston Sports Club does not apply to the early morning hours. Just “prime time”.

I know this because I have been fighting a losing battle with insomnia (my weapons of choice: Amstel Light, vicodin, aromatherapy candles and a relaxation tape. Not all at the same time and not necessarily in that order. Insomnia’s weapons: unknown but more effective). Three mornings this week, I have gotten bored enough to go to the gym at 5:30 a.m. There are actually a lot of people there at that time and they look well-rested to me so obviously, we have different motivations for showing up to work out while it is still dark out and the rest of the City is still in a peaceful slumber, god I am so jealous why the hell can’t I sleep?!

OK, the point here is that these folks are not nearly as attractive as the post-work crowd. You can come to your own conclusions as to why (I have enough on my mind) this is. I felt the need to make this distinction in case my unerring judgement when it comes to other’s looks might be questioned by those who, for reasons known only to them, are part of the pre-dawn crowd at BSC.

I look forward to the day when I can re-join the ranks of those urban professionals who have the necessary energy to hit the cardio machines after a long day at the office. Till then all you Ed Norton body doubles, till then…

The Results are in and they speak for themselves

Low carb bread absolutely sucks. For the low price of $3.29, I had the pleasure of trying this "healthful" alternative to real bread. Basically, it is an insult to 4 millennia of bread making.

This shit tastes like a chemical-soaked sponge. I'd try to get my money's worth and feed the Canadian geese on the Esplande but I am certain that there is some sort of ordinance against poisoning wildlife (no matter how irritating the copious bird doo is when I am jogging) and I just can't take that kind of chance.

Free at Last! Free at Last!

It is my pleasure to report that, as of 2:30 p.m., I am free of the most debilitating hangover ever. In all my years of binge drinking, I have never been as bad off as I was yesterday. None of this pain was unforeseeable however, as my Sunday agenda read as follows:

 Yoga class
 Lunch
 Nap
 Attend private open bar Super Bowl Party at gay club, get completely hammered, dirty-dance with drag queens and kiss an average looking lesbian (my only regret is that she wasn’t one of the beautiful ones – I mean, if this is going to be my only same-sex experience, I want it to count!)
 Pass out after $20 cab ride home ($12 fare and I guess I forgot to ask for change because I KNOW I had a $20 bill before I left the club. Monday morning tally: $0)

Some unscheduled items on Monday like calling in sick to work and vomiting during the early afternoon threatened to dampen my fond memories of the Super Bowl XXXVIII. But today is business as usual and all I know is I had a blast. GO PATS!